First County Bank Of Nigeria Texas
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Oliver Wendall Douglas, XXIII, credit officer of the First County Bank of Nigeria, county seat of Belch County, Texas. I'm the brother of the late Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe Douglas, former Chief Constable and Justice of the Peace of Belch County. I have a business proposition for you. You see, Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe, in addition to his career as an officer of the court, was the owner of Nigeria Drive-thru Liquor, a highly profitable business enterprise up till the new road bypassed south Nigeria. Around that time, Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe's principal place of business apparently was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Fortunately, Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe had the foresight to insure the building and premises for $41 Million US Dollars against such Acts of God . Now Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe, just between you and me and the light post, was playing five man football, if you catch my drift. Just two days after naming his beloved brother, that being myself, as the primary beneficiary in his will, he accidentally fell head-first underneath the rear wheel of my Ford F150 as I was backing out of his driveway. Only his thick skull allowed him to survive both the initial impact and the subsequent contact as I accidentally backed over his head the second time. In fact, he'd be alive today if not for that hose on his life support system that sprung a big ol' leak. But that danged halfwit brother of mine never filed his will and his estate is going to Probate.
WHAT IS TO BE DONE:
Seems old Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe had the insurance money put into an account right here at the First County Bank of Nigeria. Now, that $41 Million ain't doing Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe any good. It's just sittin' there in the bank and I can't get my hands on -- er -- access it for the benefit of the surviving family members. And in any event, it just wouldn't look right given the ongoing coroners inquest and all. So -- here's where you come in. Even though you've never heard of me, and I sound like a pretty suspicious character, even to myself, I think you should trust me. What I'm thinkin' is this -- you claim to be Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe's estranged son. The laws of Belch County, such that they exist, most likely entitle you, the estranged son, to the estate of your late father. Just as a token of proof, you open an account and deposit $25,000 right here in the First County Bank of Nigeria in the name Jimmy Bobby Bill Joe Douglas, Jr. The sizeable deposit is just to make it all seem plausible -- after all, what kind of damned idiot would deposit $25,000 in a bank he's never heard of at the suggestion of a shady character he's never met, if he weren't the rightful heir of Jimmy Bobby Billy Joe Douglas. Now the way I figure it -- 20% for the Judge to assure swift and unbiased justice, you being the rightful heir and all; 20% to you just for opening an account; and 55% to the bereaved family member and 5% to the bereaved family member's Racetrack Investment Advisor, preferably before noon this coming Friday.
I got everything planned out and absolutely nothing can go wrong. I've contacted an attorney, Rufestus Milotis Bubba Smith, who will prepare the necessary documents and who will also arrange bail in the event that something does go wrong. To tell the truth, ol' Bubba ain't a rightful attorney since the disbarment, but he watches Court TV to stay sharp. To cut to the chase, after you have been declared the next of kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in the matter. Oh, just one more thing... don't mention this to anyone -- particularly not my ex-wife.